Thursday, July 01, 2010

Singling Out Israel (Again!)

From the newly discovered, whacky and seriously funny Circus Israel comes this gem. Expect more entries cross-posted here in the future.

The righteous Hebraic air of Eretz Israel is again scented with the complaint that our nation is singled out, among all others, for rebuke. Such anti-Israel criticism is hypocrisy, we cry, and an expression of anti-semitism. To probe this troubling development, Circus Israel thrust its investigatory rectal thermometer into the shopping centers of the Jewish State. As customers squeezed out of busy supermarkets, we absorbed their discourse on the unequal treatment of their homeland. Whether they paced agitatedly or sat uneasily on stools, their pungent opinions represent the by-product of the unique Jewish experience in a stressful world. Representative samples appear below. (To ensure that Circus Israel took no side in the ongoing Sabbath desecration controversy, our researchers collected remarks at stores affiliated with both Supersol and Blue Square.)

SHMUEL R. (software designer): “All I’m saying is when you discuss Israel negatively, you have to mention every other nation in the same breath. Otherwise, you’re a Jew-hating shit-head. That’s all I’m saying.”

ELIE W. (professional survivor and honoree): “I’m only against being singled out. I don’t oppose saying our suffering must be elevated above all others, or that we’re unique, a Light Unto Nations, God’s Chosen People, never wrong and above international law. But, please, don’t single us out.”

ADINA L. (early childhood educator): “Once in a while, single us out for something good we’ve developed – like armored bulldozers or family punishment or certain interrogation methods.”

YISRAEL Y. (redeemer of sacred hilltops): “How about me and my posse single you out, you fucking traitor?”

TATIANA M. (beautician and drug mule): “Maybe they could single out Iran for once. Is Iran invisible? Look at all the trouble they cause in…all those places they cause trouble in."

STEVEN P. (Haifa University professor) “Why don’t they pick on all the other countries with undefined borders, ethnic-based public policy, a vast apparatus of usurpation and occupation, a siege on another people, a continuous history of attacking neighboring states and a disregard for international law? Why don’t they? Nothing to say, judenrat?”

AVIGAIL B. (fertile womb of the Jewish People) “Us they single out? The only ethno-religious democracy in the Middle East? Who ever heard of such a thing?”

MENACHEM D. (yeshiva student): “Can you believe what they’re getting for yogurt here? At these prices, who can afford to feed me?”

YORAM N. (IDF Lieutenant and DJ): “Which singling out do you mean, bro? Where Obama has to give us more military aid than anybody else?”

DOV L. (rabbi & mohel) “Blood libel!”

SHIMON P. (President of Israel): “It’s time to begin proximity negotiations to quantify the number and characteristics of other nations that must be discussed when criticizing Israel. But first there must be confidence building measures, such as the purchase of Israeli products and an airstrike on Iranian nuclear sites.”

AVIGDOR L. (Israeli Foreign Minister): “As a boy, I was often singled out for hitting other children with a lead pipe, so I know how that feels. It’s a real slap in the face to your self-esteem.”

GOLDA A. (painless dentist): “I have only one question about this repulsive singling out – is it good for the Jews?”


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