Oh, why can't the Guardian be more like a US newspaper? Start by giving those mucky facts a good wash right now

Jane Bussmann
Monday October 23, 2006
The Guardian

I moved to Los Angeles to get away from the Guardian and its British take on the "facts". Here in America, our facts have two showers a day and use beard trimmers all over. However, every time I come home to do a comedy show about child-snatching Ugandan warlords, I notice that the British are still buying this newspaper. It makes me so mad, I took time out from shooting fox cubs to give your news a good wash. Here are some current news stories, from the Guardian and other mucky UK sources, translated for Americans and brought up to American veracity standards.

In Guardian: Blair - troops may quit Iraq in 10-16 months

In the US: No U-turn from Blair on war

Britain's prime minister confirmed the 2007 withdrawal was planned all along and in no way a reaction to General Sir Richard Dannatt's calls for troops to pull out. Blair insisted he "agreed with every word" of Dannatt's announcement: "What sounded like him saying my entire plan for Iraq was totally fucked up and suicidal was just joshing between friends," said the prime minister. "I'm best mates with whatsisname. We often share a lager beer. Anyway, I'm not worried because he's off to Iraq so he'll probably be dead soon."

In Guardian: US troops face trial over abuse and murder claims

In the US: Marines foil insurgent origami warplane plot

Three marines are accused of abducting Hashim Ibrahim Awad, shooting him and tampering with his body. The Marine Corps' commander acknowledged that placing an AK-47 and a spade near the corpse to make it appear as if he had been shot while preparing to set a roadside bomb may have looked to observers like a clumsy attempt to frame an innocent civilian, but explained that this was only because the wind had blown away the pile of origami cranes Awad had been making with the intention of flying a crane-borne missile into the green zone.

In Guardian: Bush issues doctrine for US control of space

In the US: Oilfields found on the moon

President Bush has promised the Man in the Moon will be freed by 2008. "It is America's duty to liberate him from the tyranny of ... of ... Tony, help me on this," the president explained. A search of CIA doodle archives later established beyond doubt that a space dictator, probably looking something like a bear, had gassed 100,000 lovely little Moomintrolls.

In Guardian: Tycoon rips £75m Picasso

In the US: Elbow hole in old painting really no big deal

And this is not the first time billionaire hotelier Steve Wynn's art collection has made headlines. Last summer, Wynn's wife shrunk the Bayeux tapestry. Wynn was reportedly furious as he regularly urged his spouse to indicate she wished to reuse it by putting it back on the rails.

In Guardian: Britain now No 1 al-Qaida target

In the US: It's Britain's turn to stand up to terror

Al-Qaida hates Britain and everything it stands for. The only way for Brits to fight back is using enormous quantities of petrol to keep America strong. Al-Qaida are apparently terrified of cars, especially really big SUVs which are mentioned in the Qur'an as the utility vehicle of the infidel. The best method of ensuring your family's safety from terrorists is to sit in your car with the engine running until 2010.

In Guardian: No magic bullet to solve crisis, Bush adviser warns

In the US: Rumsfeld plans to carry on kissing lucky stone installed in Oval Office through 2007

In Guardian: US stops Venezuela planes deal

In the US: US trade analysts inform Spain that Venezuela smells of poo

Furthermore, America warns Venezuela to return its Power Rangers. Venezuela is urged to wait downstairs for its mum to collect it because America is not coming out of its bedroom.

In Guardian: Oliver Stone plans film on Afghanistan invasion

In the US: Taliban begs director to make other warlords look boring instead

Stone announces Farrell, Jolie to headline incomprehensible three-hour saga featuring long nude scene with a python that wishes it was dead.

In Guardian: America has finally taken on the grim reality of Iraq

In the US: Pentagon no longer using the term amputee

Injured veterans will now be referred to as Owners of Bonus Socks.

In Guardian: North Korea sanctions agreed

In the US: US and UK agree not to attack North Korea

"But if this carries on, we may liberate them" - Blair

In Guardian: Madonna defends Malawi adoption

In the US: Baby loses one national identity, gains four

The singer's representative stated: "The baby will be raised at Guy and Madonna's British home and will therefore speak a mixture of Trustafarian patois and mid-Atlantic mockney." Both adoptive parents have predicted a career in showbusiness for their new infant. Critics agreed, noting that the baby would be successful and popular with audiences, since it wasn't produced by Guy Ritchie.

On FemaleFirst.co.uk: Britney's yummy mummy diet

In the US: Pop star adopts 40 abandoned cheeseburgers

In Hello! magazine: Bono's wife Alison holds charity T-shirt launch

In the US: World healed: official

This landmark fashion and politics summit, added to the release of special Bono-edition Nike trainers with red bits, signals to Africans the length of the oldest continent that it's time to quit whining and get over it.

On bbc.co.uk: Michael rapped for smoking drugs

In the US: George Michael rapped for smoking drug, claims: "This stuff keeps me sane and happy"

Singer claims marijuana medically necessary, cures old-man wang addiction for literally minutes at a time.

• This week Jane read The complete texts of US politician Mark Foley to his teenage congressional pages: "Should be available in schools; would end all human intercourse overnight." Jane watched Green Wing series two: "But as luck would have it, I was already running a bath, and always travel with a boxcutter. Soon I won't remember a thing."