God, Gays and Wanks

It's the masturbation, stupid!

There isn't a concept in the world that the religious traditionally have more problems with than homosexuality (in plain English: gays). It troubles them deeply that this practice, prohibited unanimously by all three Monotheisms (at least they agree on something), continues to be exercised by unabating numbers around the world, by both males and females and throughout most cultures, no matter how devout or how secular.

Despite the fact that the disapproval of gayness by the religious is by and large a simple, visceral, atavistic reflex (it simply scores high on their internal disgust-o-meter), there are plenty of post hoc rationalisations that are supposed to justify their condemnation of what is essentially an innocuous and consensual human activity, not very different from other human activities in the entire plethora. It needs to be noted though that homophobia isn't the sole prerogative of the believers either: some atheists are gay bashers too.

And so we have the "Free Will" argument: in this narrative, homosexuality is a deliberate "life-style choice". I only need to ask the question (again, sigh...) to my gay friends to have them in stitches on the floor to deduce my answer to the question: the vast majority of gay people don't consider their sexual leanings to be one of choice.

Then there's the "it's a disease, dude!" argument, which is kind of a (deeply condescending) pseudo-humanistic version of the above, in the sense that it sort of absolves the alleged "sufferer" and offers the possibility of "a cure" (to be administered by Men from the Funny Hat Brigade, needless to add).

The immortal, quasi-Freudian and slightly misogynist "Weak father - Strong Mother" thingy, which assumes that unless the nukular family is led firmly by (dare I say the hand of?) a G-d like Pater Familias male youngsters will end up corrupted by the Evil of Gayness, is also still around. Interestingly, society seems decidedly less concerned about female homosexuality (consistently termed "lesbianism" - as if it were a bizarre ideology or cult). The multitude of male heterosexual fantasies regarding unholy threesomes involving the fantasist and two (or more?) unsuspecting lezzers, about to find out about the wholesome joy of heterosexual sex, probably plays a part there.

That gays are gay because they are gay is something that could never be accepted by the religious, for it would almost imply that G-d is a tad bisexual, incapable of controlling his urges to create more gay people, in fact to reserve an almost immutable quota of gayness to the successive generations since Adam and (St)eve.

But now we have a new theorette: introducing Ronen Levi Yitzchak!



Ronen, now look what you made me do: golden shower myself (no semen, Ronen, I promise!)

This guy's masturbatory delights last only 4 seconds? How long does he last with a hot broad? 3 nanoseconds??? Whizzbang well before ETA?

Personally, I always think of it as the "Hand of God", Ronen. (S)He arranges everything, doesn't (S)he?

And perhaps the slightly more effeminate male gays out there are those lucky few that manage to give themselves a complimentary blowjob too?

As regards his opinion on women, we mustn't share the same planet: on mine they're all hardnosed bitches and not a Brazilian (sexually explicit link) in sight...

Now I'm off to spill some semen in an old sock. Ronen, if I pleasure the sock first, does that still count as "in vain"? How about wearing gloves, would that protect me against homosexual thoughts? Answer me that, you sucker...

H/T Bacon.