Thursday, July 15, 2010

Friday Fun with Circus Israel...

Well, almost Friday then...

david bar echsam (Circus Israel):

PALESTINIANS STRIVE TO RESIST APPROPRIATELY

According to messages intercepted by an Israeli security service that may or may not exist, Palestinian leadership is struggling to identify a form of protest acceptable to Israel. The Palestinians had hoped their communal demonstrations in Bi'lin and Ni'ilin against Israeli’s “security barrier” would compare favorably with the hostilities associated with the 2nd Intifada, but Israel responded with gunfire, gas grenades and arrests. Palestinian opposition to the Jewish State’s admission to the multi-national Office of Economic Cooperation and Development was similarly panned, and even the Palestinian boycott of products from the occupied territories has been waved out of bounds by Israeli commentators. And of course the nine deaths during the Gaza Aid Flotilla completely failed to resonate with the Israeli public.

Consequently, officials from the Fatah-dominated Palestinian Authority, Hamas, the Popular Front for the Liberation of Palestine and Islamic Jihad have been communicating frantically, groping for a resistance strategy that won’t offend Jewish sensitivities. Despite their differences and suspicions (including the question of which side the PA is actually on), their secretly recorded communications reveal a shared predicament. They also confirm that Arabs incessantly conspire (except when they incessantly quarrel and prove themselves incapable of self-government).

Circus Israel obtained transcripts of the Arab discourse from an Israeli espionage operative by posing as Jonathan Pollard’s publicist. The following conference call involved Khaled Meshal (Hamas), Salam Fayyad (PA), Abdullah Ramadan Shallah (Islamic Jihad) and Ahmad Sa’adat (PFLP).

MESHAL: Everyone hooked up?..Okay, gentlemen, we have a big problem, so I’m just gonna say what needs to be said. We’re screwing up the one thing we always agreed on – Israel’s needs come first. We must – I mean must – find modes of resistance that don’t offend the Jews. By the way, I just got a bootleg Avi Gefen CD and it kicks ass. I’ll burn copies for you guys.

SHALLAH: Cool. Listen, I couldn’t agree more about re-calibrating strategy, Khaled. I really thought the settlement boycott would be OK, since its stuff made on our land and all that, but it’s just way too aggressive. We should’ve run it by the Yesha Council.

FAYYAD: And that Aid Flotilla – what a bright idea. Not! Look, we were warned. When Lieberman calls something a violent provocation, it’s a violent provocation. Those crazy boats and what-have-you. Why? Because of a siege? It just makes Israel look bad.

SA’ADAT: Say, who’s gonna talk to these hotheads in Ni’lin and Bi’lin? It’s not okay to provoke tear gas and bullets and scrawl that potty-mouth stuff on the Wall. I don’t want Jewish kids seeing that trash on TV.

FAYYAD: You’re blaming the Authority, I assume.

SA’ADAT: Your turf, man.

FAYYAD: My turf? Listen, I have –

MESHAL: C’mon, c’mon. Guys, there’s plenty of blame for everyone. Let’s keep it positive.

SHALLAH: Hey, a rabbi, a sheikh and a midget walk into a brothel. The sheikh says –

SA’ADAT: This the one where the rabbi says “oy vey, it’s bigger than a palm tree”?

SHALLAH: You heard it already?

MESHAL: Who hasn’t? That joke’s older than the Jewish presence in Jerusalem. Look, let’s focus here. One suggestion - why don’t we just ask the Israelis what protest they’ll tolerate?

SA’ADAT: No, no, no, no, no! Khaled, are you trying to make things worse? Every lover wants you to just understand them and not ask a lot of questions. Besides, you’re just trying to shift responsibility to the Jews. As Abdullah said, it’s our duty to figure this out.

MESHAL: What about a Palestinian Gandhi?

SHALLAH: That’s just another version of asymmetrical warfare. With Sharon under the weather, the Israelis don’t have a comparable peacemaker.

FAYYAD: How about we use protest letters? Firm but polite. Good quality paper.

MESHAL: Better yet, does anybody know if the Israelis have a standard complaint form? We fill it out, submit quietly through proper channels, we can’t go wrong. It’s their own form.

SHALLAH: That’s good. Just let’s not flood them with complaints. We’ll look like a nuisance and it’s not very nice.

MESHAL: Right, exactly. Everything in moderation. Not too much and not too little.

FAYYAD: Well, too little’s okay.

SHALLAH: Of course. By the way, a friend sent me an old Jackie Mason album. Vinyl - mint condition! Guy makes me laugh so hard I plotz!

SA’ADAT: Jackie takes something, like, half-formed in my mind and says it perfectly. Like he’s in my head!

FAYYAD: You wish, Ahmad!

MESHAL: Hey, I hate to be a nudje, but we’re burning minutes. Listen, how about something like this Flotilla Commission the Israelis put together? A focus group of really old Jews that detest us. If something doesn’t offend those guys, it’s good to go.

SA’ADAT: Again you make the Jews responsible! Not only do you want painful concessions, you want them to tell you how to ask for them. Nutty.

MESHAL: Okay, Mr. Diplomat, make a proposal - for once. One constructive idea.

SA’ADAT: Well, maybe if you listened a little more carefully, you’d know I’ve been suggesting a petition drive from day one.

MESHAL: I like petition drives. I always said they’re very effective with the Israelis. But what do we demand?

FAYYAD: Demand?

MESHAL: Okay, not demand. Request.

SHALLAH: Something like, we, the undersigned, respectfully request…what?

SA’ADAT: Negotiations?... Discussions about negotiations?

FAYYAD: Preliminary discussions about preliminary negotiations?

SHALLAH: Jordanian citizenship and limited residency rights in restricted West Bank areas?

SA’ADAT: No, no – that’s to be negotiated.

SHALLAH: This’s really hard. Ya know, I just don’t think it’s so wrong to ask the Israelis for a little guidance. They know what they’ll tolerate.

MESHAL: Do they? 2 Jews, 3 opinions.

SA’ADAT: Why can’t we be delightfully quirky like that?

MESHAL: Lemme tell you something Abu Tir said the other day. "Hamas wins parliamentary elections and they arrest 64 of us. So protest voting’s obviously not allowed. After 4 years in prison, they revoke my Jerusalem residency. So even thinking about resistance is not allowed in territory they control. Maybe they just want us out of here."

FAYYAD: Khaled, c’mon, man…

MESHAL: This never occurs to you? That everything we’re talking about, the expulsions, the land grabs, the contempt, it’s all on purpose to make us surrender?

SHALLAH: Wow. My brother, that’s really paranoid.

SA’ADAT: Worse, it’s anti-semitic incitement. Khaled, I’m very disappointed.

SHALLAH: Those Syrians slipped something in your falafel.

FAYYAD: Look, if we present the right request in the right way at the right time, Israel will always consider it. Just like Oslo.

MESHAL: Sorry. Guess I’m a little frustrated…

SHALLAH: Here’s a good one. Arab walks into a bar on Jaffa Street in Jerusalem. Slaps a pile of shekels on the bar, says “let bygones be bygones – drinks’re on me!” Bunch of Jewish guys get drunk, they jump the Arab and beat his ass. Week later, the Arab comes back in. “Let bygones be bygones – drinks’re on me!” Jews get drunk, beat his ass again. Another week, in comes the Arab. This time he says, “I’m not buying you guys any more drinks.” Jewish guy says, “good, ‘cause we’re tired of you making us drink before we beat your ass!”

FAYYAD: Now that’s funny! I gotta tell that one to Tony Blair!

17 Comments:

At 10:00 AM, Blogger Emmanuel said...

The most imaginary part of this satirical piece is the idea of Hamas and Fatah actually talking to each other (even more than them caring about what is acceptable to Israel).

 
At 4:57 PM, Blogger Gert said...

Hmmm... they actually are talking to each other. But for initial support for Hamas we have Israel to thank. A case of 'divide and rule' gone bad?

Or perhaps not. Hamas is a minor thorn in Israel's side, it itches more than hurts. And were would the proto-fascists from the Hyper Right be without scapegoats?

 
At 8:10 PM, Blogger Emmanuel said...

According to what I've heard and seen, Hamas and Fatah hate each other, some journalists have even gone as far as saying they hate each other more than they hate Israel.

Hamas is much more than a minor thorn. It's a major problem which we don't really know how to deal with properly. Islamic fundamentalists at our border scare most Israelis - it isn't just a far-right excuse. The right doesn't need Hamas as scapegoats - for people like Lieberman and the religious parties even Fatah aren't negotiating partners.

 
At 8:56 PM, Blogger Gert said...

Hmm... funny that, the last time I saw them (Hamas and Fatah) they seemed to be discussing things rather amicably in Damascus (some weeks ago). That there remain undoubtedly points of deep division is true. But a breakthrough is imminent I believe. Scary, no? What's Israel going to do when the Palestinians start pulling together again?

"The right doesn't need Hamas as scapegoats - for people like Lieberman and the religious parties even Fatah aren't negotiating partners"

There are really few Zionist blogs that when faced with criticism of Israel DO NOT pull the Hamas card. It really is a Zionist obsession. To it are attributed quasi-magical powers. They're also the main argument used by that slice of the European Left that still remains loyal to the US and Israel: that they can't support reactionary Islamists and that those who don't support Israel are in bed with... reactionary Islamists!

As a rhetorical device to deflect and railroad any criticism of Israel as collusion with Radical Islam and 'anti-Western' forces Hamas plays a very important role compared to the actual physical threat it poses to Israel.

 
At 10:54 PM, Blogger Emmanuel said...

The recent negotiations between Hamas and Fatah broke down. I got the impression that the two sides are too far apart (here are two sources about that, one Israeli and one Arab). But who knows, things might change.

You're right that Zionists, myself included, are obsessed with Hamas. Where I disagree with you is on your assertion that it isn't a justified obsession.

 
At 9:22 AM, Blogger Daniel Hoffmann-Gill said...

Hi Gert, you should drop Ren a line about that thread you're engaged in with the racist. He is breaking the rules over there and Ren should delete the comments.

 
At 12:51 PM, Blogger Gert said...

Hi Dan:

No, he's not: in Sentinel's inverted bizarr-O-world I'm the hater and he's an authentic 'White Workin' Class hero', doncha know!

Did you now the guy was actually nearly engaged to the daughter (or grand daughter) of actual Holocausting Nazis? To his credit he pulled away from the brink but something must have stuck...

 
At 12:53 PM, Blogger Daniel Hoffmann-Gill said...

Really?

How do you know that?

That is just freaking weird.

 
At 1:02 PM, Blogger Gert said...

Because he told me so in the comment section of BEAJ's blog. It should still be there I'm sure. He knows quite a lot about Nazism which really fascinated him for some time. What better a person for the job of Minister for Race Hygiene in New White Britain?

 
At 1:03 PM, Blogger Daniel Hoffmann-Gill said...

Well, the man is a fantasist, I don't take much of what he says as anything relating to the truth.

 
At 1:06 PM, Blogger Gert said...

'S for Vendetta' from a New Far Right perspective!

 
At 12:14 AM, Blogger Baconeater said...

I didn't realize Gaza was this bad.

 
At 1:57 PM, Blogger Gert said...

Still an arsehole after all these years, eh?

Your link hasn't been clicked, BTW: I can imagine it blindfolded. Save yourself some time and send it to your arabophobic buddies.

 
At 2:08 PM, Blogger Baconeater said...

I'd really love to see your spin on it Gert.

 
At 3:17 PM, Blogger Gert said...

Well, tough, because you're not going to get it...

 
At 3:21 PM, Blogger Baconeater said...

No problem, I wouldn't know what to say if I were you anyway if you watched the video, so I understand.

I also linked to your blog on my blog, so expect a few new visitors.

 
At 8:02 PM, Blogger Gert said...

Yeah, just what I needed: a bunch of angry Zios...

 

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